the wrath of envy

I find it funny, that some people think I'm happy in where i am right now.
How can you think I'm happy, knowing someone I love is engaged to another woman? :)
I'm just a human too. I get jealous everytime I know he's with her.
It hurts.

And when it hurts, i feel the envy is lurking behind.
I envy her, for knowing him first. For having a chance to be officially his girlfriend for so long until now.
When I have to look at myself, I can only be an option for now.

I understand I can't ask for more than I can get for now.
Aku mengerti sih, dia juga banyak berbuat untuk aku.
Terkadang dia memilih untuk bersama aku, meskipun "his fiancee" sedang pulang dan berada di kota yang sama.
Terkadang dia harus berbohong berkali-kali, supaya kami masih bisa in-contact.
Do I feel happy?
I can't lie, if I can choose, I don't want it. Of course what i want is, we can be together without any concern of anyone else. Without lies.
Tapi memang situasi saat ini tidak memungkinkan untuk itu.

Saat ini aku hanya bisa melakukan yang terbaik, menjadi the best of me, and hoping for the best, and preparing for the worst, until the time he'll decide which one is better for him.
Aku hanya bisa mencoba menghilangkan suara-suara negatif dalam kepalaku, semoga memang aku masih mempunyai kelebihan, ketika hampir semua orang menghakimi, bahwa aku tidak lebih baik dari "his fiancee".
Memang sih sering banget aku berkaca, intropeksi diri sendiri, who am i? How can i dare to continue this, knowing that my rival has many better qualities than me?


If you can only think in my place just for a second, feel that it's not easy being me either.
I got hurt a lot. And I have to deal not only with people's judgements, but from my conscience too.
My self-esteem is on stake here.
If in the end, I can't be with him for some reasons, I can't lie that maybe, I'd crashed and feel I'm nothing again.

*sigh*
Okay.. I'm rambling.. Yadda yadda..
The point is, I don't need your judgements. I can judge myself. :)
I got enough pressure from myself.
I know what I do is wrong, but I also know that what I feel is real. Do I ask to fall in love with him?
And you blame me for feeling this?

The only song that's been in my head for the past few days, even until now, I can't stop listening to this song.. This song is truly describe how I feel and how our relationship's going..

2 a.m and the rain is falling ..
here we are at the crossroads once again ..
you're telling me you're so confused,
you can't make up your mind ..
" Is this meant to be ? ",
you're asking me ..

but only love can say :
 " try again or walk away "
but i believe for you and me,
the sun will shine one day ..
so I'll just play my part,
and pray you'll have a change of heart ..
but i can't make you see it through,
that's something only love can do ..

in your arms as the dawn is breaking,
face to face & a thousand miles apart,
I've tried my best to make you see,
there's hope beyond the pain,
if we give enough,
if we learn to trust ..

but only love can say :
 " try again or walk away "
but i believe for you and me,
the sun will shine one day ..
so I'll just play my part,
and pray you'll have a change of heart ..
but i can't make you see it through,
that's something only love can do ..

I know if I could find the words to touch you deep inside,
you'll give our dreams just one more chance,
don't let this be our last goodbye ..

but only love can say :
 " try again or walk away "
but i believe for you and me,
the sun will shine one day ..
so I'll just play my part,
and pray you'll have a change of heart ..
but i can't make you see it through,
that's something only love can do ..

that's something only love can do ..

 +++

I don't know where I will be..

I don't know what will happen..

All I know is my feeling is real..

Even though I try so hard to let him go, I just can't..

I can't help but feeling restless .. Waiting for uncertainty .. Sometimes I got tired and wanted to quit .. Sometimes I wonder if his feeling is true or not .. But then I'm already so attached to him .. I can't ask for more .. I'm waiting for the day to come, when it will be clear to see if it's ever meant to be or not ..

I just hope I have enough strength, to hope for the best, and prepare for the worst ..

quick update !

Sehari-hari meskipun, ga keliatan sibuk, tapi agak capek juga akhir-akhir ini, secara rutinitas sudah gak bisa begadang-begadang lagi sampai pagi. Jadi aktifitas untuk yang lain-lainnya agak dikurangin....

----

Akhir-akhir ini, aku menyadari beberapa hal.
I've been fighting with my own conscience.
I've become someone I hate the most.

This love has made me become someone so evil. So easy to be envious, so quick to be jealous. And i hate that!
I used to be an open-minded person. I used to be a trustful person, why am I not that person anymore?
There are always voices inside my head, fighting and shouting at each other, saying things I don't want to hear.

What amazed me is, if someone is having the same problem as I am now, I can give good advices and tell him/her to do the right thing. But I can't do the same thing for myself.

----

@huan : hati kita tahan banting, tapi bukan berarti kita mau terus2an dibanting kan?
Capek kali lama-lama kalau setiap kali kena ujian bantingan terus.

Running out of patience. Totally hoping for extra charge of patience level.



* but i can't make you see it through, that's something only love can do ...




PS : another update ..
terkadang ironis ya, kalau musuh terbesar kita sendiri, terkadang berasal dari orang yang ketemu tiap hari...

If I could have one super power ...

 ---------------------------------------------

it would be nice if i can have Bruce Almighty's gift.
Not the part that he can be omnipotent. I just wish i can have his ability to talk directly to God for a moment.

Forgive me, God... for having lots of things to complain to You.
I need to ask lots of questions about my life, that i need direct answers of.
I just don't understand why I have to go through all these. Heartbreaks, disappointments, seem like usual things in my life.

Aku tahu, ini semua kesalahanku sendiri.
I know I shouldn't put any hope, in everything basically. All the things I've pictured about, always got messed up.

I see that, You've made things go well with them everyday.
Do i have to be as religious as her first, to get what she has ?
Ujian ini sudah sering kau berikan... Apa salah kalau sekarang aku sudah mulai capek menghadapi rasa ini?
Sampai kapan aku harus menerima kenyataan kalau aku tidak bisa memiliki orang yang aku mau?

Jika memang kali ini, tetap engkau tidak merubah semua itu, this is my limit, God.
I don't have any power left to love anyone again, because i'll just be afraid.

I feel so fragile today ....
So lonely...
Now all i can feel, is just afraid.

Things with my family most likely will left me lonely in the future, since it's already clear that those people, only think about themselves.

And no one is willing to be with me, to accompany me facing those cloudy days.

ternyata ga enak juga ...

menjadi pengganggu?

ps: warning, orang-orang yang cuma bisa berpikiran shallow dan judging, gak usah baca sekalian! suka-suka gw mo nulis apa, ni blog gw sendiri, emang siapa yang maksa kamu baca?



Before, in 2 of my past relationships, aku pernah mengalami kekecewaan. Pada dasarnya, aku menjadi pihak yang mungkin kata tepatnya diselingkuhin. Sebagai orang yang setia (uhuuyy...), pada saat-saat itu, entah mengapa aku merasa yang bersalah adalah mereka, bukan aku. Apalagi para 'pengganggu' tersebut. I used to despise them. I hate their guts that they're still after my guys, eventhough they knew my existence. I used to think, why they didn't care about me, why they didn't care that someone was hurt and how come they were happy knowing that...?


Lately, I have to rethink about my judgement. I am unfortunately, having such experience being them.
I'm ashamed to admit that, i'm in love with someone's guy ...
I never suspected this would happen, it just happened. Just like Blackstreet's song : it came over me in a rush, when i realized that i love you so much ... that sometimes i cry but i can't tell you whyyyy.. why i feel what i feel inside....

Pada awal aku mengetahui dia sudah memiliki seseorang, aku mencoba untuk menekan perasaan itu, dan menghilangkan secepat mungkin. But i hate the fact that, this feeling is getting stronger day by day.
Hate the fact that i cannot be with him, can't have him fully as mine.
Hate the fact that time was not on my side.
Hate the fact that i couldn't control myself, and letting myself fell for him.
HATE the fact that i have to live in uncertainty about what i really am.
Harus ke siapa aku marah?? Aku cuma bisa marah pada diriku sendiri.

Sekarang aku kurang lebih bisa menyadari, ternyata judgementku selama ini salah besar.
Menjadi para 'pengganggu' itu ternyata ga selalu membahagiakan. The heartbreak behind it is also painful.
Mengetahui bahwa orang yang aku cintai, bersama orang lain.
Merencanakan masa depan dengan orang lain.
Memiliki dunia mereka.
Sementara aku harus menerima kenyataan, bahwa aku tidak akan bisa menjadi bagian dari dunianya, dunia tersebut.
Aku harus tinggal di dunia semu, dunia bayangan. Dunia lain yang disembunyikan.

Ternyata sakit ketika harus mengetahui, dia sedang bersama dengan orang itu.
Di dalam kejelasan hubungan. Ketika aku harus paranoid memikirkan, apakah dia akan meninggalkan aku, orang yang hadir di selingan waktu..
Paranoid memikirkan, mungkin dia atau mereka menertawakan aku, kebodohanku untuk menjadi seperti sekarang ini.
Sakit ketika membayangkan apa yang mereka lakukan bersama, mereka obrolkan bersama.
Sakit ketika mengetahui dalam waktu dekat, ternyata mereka sudah akan melakukan tingjing, meskipun itu bukan jaminan.
Sakit ketika melihat mereka berada di satu stage, ketika sebenarnya aku ingin memegang tangannya dengan bebas.
Sebenarnya aku ingin menemuinya, memeluknya, menjadi bagian dari dunianya, tanpa harus bersembunyi.
Aku tidak tahu harus sampai kapan aku bersembunyi. Atau mungkin aku harus terus bersembunyi?

Aku ingin tahu, apakah dia juga memikirkan aku, ketika aku setiap saat memikirkan dia...
Ingin tahu, apakah perasaan yang dia berikan kepadaku, bisakah menjadi sama dengan yang aku rasakan?
Ingin tahu, apakah aku salah, terlalu membuka diri, sehingga mungkin dia memiliki pertimbangan lain thdp aku... Dan hanya ingin menjadikanku sebagai (lagi-lagi) sahabat....

Ga gampang lho merasakan semua ini... Aku mungkin dulu terlalu cepat menilai buruk kepada para 'pengganggu'. Jangan menganggap mereka semua tidak tahu diri, ADA beberapa orang yang sebenarnya tidak mau menjadi 'pengganggu'.
Sekarang aku tahu rasanya, ga seindah yang aku bayangkan dulu.

Aku hanya bisa menjalani semua ini, memasrahkan diri, leave it up to fate.
Aku tidak tahu apakah ada kemungkinan aku bisa memilikinya...
Semoga suatu saat nanti, aku bisa berharap lagi akan adanya kebahagiaan.

Atau mungkin, atau aku harus menyerah... Dan aku harus mendukung mereka, meskipun aku harus memendam rasa sakitku sendiri...

my sleeping time ~

Bleh.. post ini udah jadi dari sekian lama yang lalu sebenarnya, tapi karena maaf ada kesibukan-kesibukan yang tidak bisa ditinggalkan, dan karena masalah dengan Spee** busuk juga, jadi ketunda-tunda update blognya... Gomennasai... m(_ _)m

------

Mungkin sudah banyak yang tahu, kalau aku ini kalau masalah tidur, rada-rada ngaco. Hampir tiap harinya, aku tidur kurang dari recommended period, which is 8 hours, isn't it? I can sleep a lot less than that. I only need minimum 4 hours of sleeping, to stay awake through the day. Usually I sleep past midnight, around 1-2 am. Some days, I sleep around 3 am. And since I'm working now and have to get up around 5.30, well probably I get 3-5 hours of sleeping. (^^)

Ah waktu sebelum aku bekerja pun, tidurnya juga ngaco (^^!). Lebih ngaco lagi malah, bisa tidur pagi trus baru bangun sekitar 11am. Banyak yang bertanya-tanya, kok bisa aku seperti itu? Apa ga ngantuk seharian? Well, kalau dibilang ngantuk sih, not really. Usually I get sleepy during the day, if i only get less than 3 hours of sleeping, dan hari-hari sebelumnya aku sibuk keluar rumah terus. Tapi kalau selalu ngantuk sih gak juga, I'm alright. Bahkan pernah untuk 3 hari, aku tidur total hanya 8 jam hehehe.... v(^^!). Kenapa bisa seperti ini sih, sebenarnya karena bad habit. Mulai begadang tidur malam sejak SMP, makin gede makin malam jam tidurnya, sampai during high school, I always slept past 11 pm. Then came college life (^^!), I slept usually in the morning, around 4-5 am. got up around 10 am. Habis gimana yah, rasanya aneh juga, I feel more lively during the night, I guess I'm a night person actually.

The only time I get to sleep healthy (not too late and enough) was when I got a boyfriend, LOL! Because somehow I feel that I have to be healthy to take care of my loved ones, so I somehow sleep more. Tapi kalau single gini, errr...  I can do anything I want, without any concerns to anyone, since I have no one (-__-!).


Why I suddenly talk about this?


Because lately, orang-orang yang bertanya kepadaku ttg hal ini jg makin banyak. (-__-!) Hehehe.. I know they are concerned about me, they think I can get sick one day if I keep it up like this, thank you. (^^)
But do you know, why is it so hard for me to change this habit? Dan jangan heran kenapa aku bisa seperti ini.

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It's already written in the cosmic for me ! Hahaha.. One of my best friend, yang kayanya kurang kerjaan banget, sempet-sempetnya nemuin website orang pinter Ki Demang. (-__-!) Dan disana ada analisa karakter menurut weton kelahiran. And when I put my birthday to be analyzed, this is what I get. (^^!) LMAO....

ps : it's freaky that most of the predictions are true, i also tried other people's birthdays as well.... Try yours! (^^)

pemilihan wakil pemerintahan Solo 2010

Pagi sampai siang hari tadi, kota Solo mengadakan pesta demokrasi lho! Ada pemilihan walikota dan wakil walikota untuk periode 2010-2015.
Jujur aja, aku sampai umur segini, meskipun sudah qualified to participate for quite a while, aku ga pernah tertarik untuk mengikuti jalannya Pemilu, sama sekali. Waktu pemilihan presiden aja aku jg ga ikut, meskipun terdaftar. Because I don't really understand politics and every drama behind it.
So this is my first time experience participating as a good citizen (^^!).

Herannya, kenapa mesti hari Senin ya penyelenggaraannya? Kan hari kerja? Untungnya perusahaan memang memberikan dispensasi bagi karyawan yang berKTP kota Solo, untuk datang agak siang. Hurray! I can sleep a little bit more (^^).

Dari Bapak RT setempat sudah diberikan kertas daftar dan kartu pemilih, sejak hari Sabtu.

We can keep the card, yay! Hahaha... Ga penting, tapi suka aja ngumpulin ginian.

So anyway, TPS buat daerah terdekatku ada di kampung belakang rumah. Jadi pagi tadi sekitar pukul setengah 10; aku, mama, koko Yuki, Ce Erni, sama Matthew jg ikut (^^), jalan bareng-bareng ke tempat TPS kira-kira 10 menit dari pagar belakang rumah. Wooo panas terik tadi pagi. Tapi untungnya waktu sampai di TPS, sudah sepi, jadi langsung proses pemilihan. Selesai deh ga sampe 5 menit.

Lancar tertib. Ada 2 petugas hansip ikut menjaga.

Semoga wakil yang terpilih lagi, bisa terus melanjutkan bekerja buat kota Solo ya, bukan buat kantong pribadi! (^^)

PS : jariku yang dicelupkan ke tinta

what's been happening lately ...

=======================

1. Sometimes ago, I decided to take a break from my usual routine. I needed time and space to think over about my life. So I stopped slacking off, browsing unimportant stuffs, etc. Including blogging. Hence, this blog's been abandoned for a while, sorry (^^!).

I am back now, so I expect I can blog regularly.

2. I have to admit that there are problems in my family, even though it seems we're doing okay. It has been going on for so long, I think it's not fixable. Sometimes I feel like giving up too on my family, wanted to go away as far as possible, starting over my own life and never had to get tangled up in family issues.

I had some thoughts of leaving since last year, had one time experience too. And with no money to continue my education, eventhough I really wanted to focus on it now, I'm forced to change my direction. What I did usually was asking some of my friends in other cities, asking that they would help me finding any jobs. Any jobs are okay, as long as I can get out and survive on my own.

3. Turned out of course it's not easy to find jobs, so I couldn't go sooner. With so many unemployment, and so few jobs available, ( I'm not sure with my qualifications too... ) it made me scared too that maybe I had to take some dirty jobs. But thank God, I was saved and got some good help. Got some informations about vacancy in other cities. Some in Jakarta, some in Padang, some in Surabaya. I've sent my applications, and I just had to think of how I can get enough money soon to be my saving while I wait for salary, and wait for reply from them.

I was on crossroads by then. I got 2 options actually at that time. A relative of me in fact, offered me to work in one of his factories. He offered me already since last year, knowing that I wouldn't go abroad to study again. But I always declined the offer, as at that time the situation was just not right. My condition was still at the worst, and my relationship with my mom was in the worst too. I didn't want to have anything to do with my mom, and I thought that if I took that job, it would make my mom get positive point in my life, as I am sure somehow someway, she would feel that without her, I wouldn't get a job. And I don't want to give her that "ammo" for attacking me in the future. And considering that I wanted to go away as far as possible at that time, I declined the job offer three times. I didn't want to get stuck in Solo, which I would if I take the job.

And after being unemployed for quite some time, last month I decided to make a choice.  3 job offers, 1 in Jakarta and 2 in Surabaya, one of them was from a wellknown bank, answered my applications. To be honest, the salaries are not much. It will be enough for me to live with basic necessities only, it won't be enough for splurging. And maybe worse, considering in big cities, sometimes to go to one place to another, we need transportations, I was afraid the salary wouldn't be enough. But I will get the freedom I'd always been dreaming since teenager.

 I was broke at that time, I didn't have any savings, because my mother doesn't give me monthly allowance anymore. It just makes more sense, if I have some money first to live if I move to another city on my own, right? And turned out that relative of mine still offered me a position. So after some thinking, I was more inclined to take the job offer from my relative. Plus the salary is so much much more, and my spendings won't be really much as I still live in my mom's home, so I can save so much more. Maybe after saving some money, if I do have to move in the future if the situation in my family's worse, I will be more prepared.

So now I am working full time in one of textile factories in my hometown. For some of you my friends from Solo, of course you all know that the biggest textile factory in Solo is owned by my mom's younger brother. I just want to clarify that I AM NOT WORKING THERE , since some people went straight to think that I'm working there. I am working in another factory,

On Monday to Friday, I start working 8 am - 4 pm, with 1 hour lunch break on 12 - 1 pm. Saturday I got half-day, 8 am -1 pm, lunch is after work.

The place I'm working is far away from my home. It's in the outer suburb. By car, it will take about 30 minutes from my home. The factory has some cars and drivers that are used to pick up or take the office staffs home as a facility if the employees don't have their own transportations. Other than cars, the factory also has some buses, but they're more for production employees. I can drive on my own actually, but for me it just doesn't make sense if I drive on my own to work. For it's so far away, and I can use that car facility, I choose to use that. Beside I can relax after work or before reaching the factory in the morning, I steal a nap a bit more in the car, right? (^^). The problem is, because I was sharing the car with 2 other people, sometimes I have to wait for them too. And they have a quite important job rank too, so sometimes when they're busy, I left the factory around 4.20 - 4.30 pm. Hence eventhough I am supposed to be working from 8 am - 4 pm, the car is already in front of my home by 7 am, sometimes even before that. So I leave home around 7 am, and reach home in the afternoon around 5 pm.

But okay, so far it's a good job. The salary is good enough. Lunch is provided too, and since I am having lunch in the room downstairs the building I am working, ( I don't have to go out of the building to have lunch.. ) with the manager-level employees, I get more food than the employees who have lunch in the canteen, near the production area. (^^) 

Oh by the way, I'm working in Marketing, in Credit division. My job duties actually pretty are much around making a database on other people's credit. So I receive daily sales data, and making soft-copy data on how much people own, when the due date is, and analyzing their payment back, if they're early or on-time, and giving informations if there are some credits that haven't been paid and are passed the due date.

And since I would be working with computer, the company gave me brand new free laptop to use (^^). It's not the best, but it's nice enough. Decided to install Windows 7 Ultimate, with the help of my brother's friend, instead of XP or Vista that the computer store gave me. I mostly use it for working anyway. So this is it, the laptop I always carry everyday, being stickered on for protection.

I bought the skin and screen protectors in Solo Grand Mall - the shop's name is BLINK, in the mobile phone and computer area. They specialized in selling protectors for laptops.Turned out it's not really expensive. The skin protector costs me Rp. 125.000,- only, because I chose the one with picture. If you want transparent cover, it will only cost you Rp. 100.000,-. And the screen protector for small laptop (10"-15"), costs only Rp. 150.000,-.

Since my laptop's small, they had to cut some of the skin protector. I felt it would be a waste if it's not being used, so I took them and use them for other part (^^).

4. I know my simplincy blog has been abandoned for while, sorry. With all the things I've been through lately, it's hard to retell the story in the blog, for everytime I tried to do it, I would be crying again. Lately I've decided to make a makeover on that blog. From now, I will make that blog into sort of my memoir. It will start even from the very first beginning, because I thought it will be easier for other people to understand if they know what happened since the beginning, and not just wondering on why I became the person I am today. And it's still only for my real personal life and feelings. My daily ordinary life will be written here, in bittersweetxilicy.

The project will start by this weekend, and I think it will keep up and running regularly. I expect to update it at least once, weekly. It will still be limited to invited-reader only though, because it involves lots of private matters, I feel that it would be nice to know the people who know my personal life, and strangers don't need to know all about me, right? The blog will probably be open for public in the future, but not just yet.

So for you who have been invited, please confirm if you still want to be on the list, as I think I need to reset it. If anyone want to be invited to, contact me via email, and give me your email.

5. Okay lastly, this is a bit important for me.

Some time ago, a person who's used to be my friend, told me that "being friend with me is more like an effort, than pleasure". That is the exact sentence that's now I'll memorize forever. That person also explained that sometimes people'd feel that I tend to put a barrier when people want to be close with me, that's why sometimes it feels like effort, and not at all pleasure. That person happened to be one of my good friend before, we would chat all the time, and sometimes I also tell what I feel to that person.

Well, that person, I think now decides not to be my friend anymore.

I think about this for quite some time, until I decided to ask other people too whether it's true or not. I picked only few people whom I know, used to be close with me. Sent them SMS text. Among those people, only a handful are willing to reply my question :)

For those who were willing to spend some thoughts on my question, thanks a lot. At least I know that I still can expect you to listen to me when I need someone, that's really a big deal for me.

For those who didn't reply, it's okay. Thanks to you too. Now I can know there are many kinds of friendships. And maybe our friendships can't be closer than just a friend.

With this post I just want to clarify some points.

I do realize that sometimes I'm not fun to be with. I can't put up a happy face and big smile all the time, it tires me greatly.

I've been in lots of deep shits in my life, that sometimes I'm just lost and got depressed.

I'm still learning to deal with the complexity of my life, even until now. And when I did ask / tell people about my problems, it's usually pretty serious.

I understand that sometimes you guys also offered me some helps or advices. Although I listen to you, many times too I chose to ignore them. It's not because I don't appreciate your "effort", but sometimes my condition forced me to think differently than you.

If that tires you, I'm sorry, I never mean to do that.

What I'm doing is just trying to survive. My strength's already used up for surviving. I don't need more people judging me, thank you, i don't have spare energy for that.

I'm sorry that somehow my life is not as nice as yours. Hey I also want a good life with just a little problem too! But what can I do? I'm born into this world, facing lots of uncertainty and complex problems. And the strength in each person is different.

I'm sorry if that bothers you guys sometimes, that it makes you think twice to be friend with me. It's alright. Thank you for your "efforts" anyway. Maybe my life was too complicated for you to understand, it IS better for you to just quit to understand before you blow your brains off (^^).

And no, after some thoughts, I decided not to change myself, just to fit in into your "ideal" type of friendship, even though some of you feel I'm too tiresome. I won't budge you people anymore, I'll try to survive with this little strength I've got.

ps : remember the couple i told you about before, in here, the one with very paranoid and jealousy girlfriend?

Not long after that, the guy chatted with me again on facebook, he told me that it's okay for us to communicate again. At that time, i didn't realize what's going on,

~ but apparently they broke up. And now, the guy, who is my friend, already has a crush on someone else. LOL !

the journey

A few weeks ago, I had to go to Singapore for a little while. My mom needed me to accompany her, as she needed to get health check-up. We were flying there with Silk Air, direct from my hometown to Singapore. When we're on board, as usual I checked out the in-flight magazine.

Like other airlines' in-flight magazines, it contains many information about places to travel. I find some of them were interesting, some were boring. I skimmed through many pages, until in the middle of the magazine, I found a great headline.

The content's actually about Japan, but I'm not gonna talk about it. It was the title that struck me. I don't remember the exact words, but it's something like this :

Life is not about the destination, but it's about the journey.

That simple sentence somehow makes me think a lot about my life. Looking back, I've been through a lot of things. In some aspects, I can still say I should be grateful that I am lucky to have lived well. I've never been starved. I live in a good house, went to great schools, had many chances too to travel to many places. But surely life couldn't be that perfect, right? Along the way, I stumbled through many difficulties too. My personal life, emotionally, is not that great. Maybe I'll write about it later in different posts. Just contemplating about it. Somehow I forget, when was the last time I actually felt happy. I don't know what true happiness is, as I think I'm not lucky in that way. When I thought I was happy, somehow I got hurt real bad. There were many occasions I wish never had happened. There are some people I wish I never met. The whole deal is enough to make me lost my faith in life.

Then came that sentence. For some time, I'm contemplating. I find the sentence is very rich in its own way, for life's really not about the destination. What kind of destination people are looking for actually? In the end, we all die. The difference is just we may die as somebody, or die as nobody. But even a nobody can leave a great legacy.

I used to have a lot of dreams, but they won't come true. I don't have the capability to make great things. I'm maybe a nobody, and may remain the same until I die. Yeah. But I'm sure, my life, although there were much bitterness, has its own richness. And I hope, you all feel the same way. Treasure every breath, cherish every moment.

Avatar & Naruto Twist

For Naruto, and Avatar-The Last Air Bender fans only. Otherwise, maybe you won't really get the jokes.

~~ * ~~

Remember that Gaara, from Naruto, was born in Sand Country. And has the power of Jinchuuriki (a demon that is sealed within his body) that controls sand?

~~ * ~~

Aang, the Avatar, came from Air Village. Has natural ability to control air, and has a pet since his childhood, a bison that can fly, named Appa.

Remember, in Avatar, Aang and his friends once went to the desert, to look for a library that keeps all books or information. Basically we can get all answers and knowledge in this library. They wanted to look for information about when the next sun eclipse would be, for that's when they would have the best chance to kill the enemy, the Fire Nation king.

But while they were inside the library, a group of thieves that have the ability to control sand, from nearby village in the desert, kidnapped Appa.

Aang and his friends desperately looked for Appa.

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And here's the twist.

Maybe while they're looking for Appa, they met Gaara.





P.S: The images are not my artworks.

Jealousy or Plain Paranoid?

Want to share some thoughts, that occurred to me almost a month ago actually. But I just got the time to write it here now.

You all know of course, if we're in love with someone, sometimes we got jealous. And sometimes it's over something that beyond logic. I understand that we certainly don't want to lose someone we care so much for. But where is the limit of normal jealousy, or being too scared that we can get into paranoia?

I've been involved with some guys, some of them are not serious relationships for me, so I tend not to get jealous although there were obviously some girls lusting over those exes of mine. But I've been in very serious relationships too, and I did fall in love with those lucky bastards, and I did get jealous sometimes. But I think I can safely say that I'm still not a jealousy type of girl. I can still think rationally between the lines. If there are not any signs that indicate any affairs between my guy and any girl, if they're really friends, I won't get jealous and not setting any boundaries. Basically I tend to let my guy to do whatever he likes to do, as long as he himself know the limits, and those limits are pretty flexible. I'm a believer that if you're trusted by someone, you have a responsibility to keep it, by proving it. Keeping the commitment although there are a lot of temptations, and being able to reject them, are far more rewarding, than being good because there are limits.

But maybe it's just me....

~ * ~

Insiden ini bermula sebenarnya dari hal yang sepele. Dari game.

Seperti yang tentunya sudah diketahui oleh teman-teman yang ada di jaringan Facebook'ku, ada satu application game di Facebook yang aku cukup aktif main. Wall kalian tentunya pernah dan sering melihat postingan ku tentang game itu. Penjelasan simplenya, buat yang tidak memainkan, game itu web-based click game, bertema kurang lebih RPG, menuntaskan quest dan membunuh monster-monster untuk mendapatkan power dan items. Dan karena ini game adalah game social, pemain tentunya membutuhkan bantuan dari orang-orang lain.

Contohnya adalah ini :

Ada seorang teman cowo, yang sudah aku kenal dari beberapa tahun yang lalu, lewat online. Tepatnya di masa akhir kejayaan mIRC. Sebelum aku benar-benar meninggalkan dunia mIRC, aku sempat aktif di salah satu radio online, menjadi DJ radio tersebut, dan cukup menambah teman-teman. Cowo yang aku maksud, dulunya salah satu pendengar aktif radio itu, jadi otomatis lama-kelamaan jadi kenal di chatroom radio.

Tapi sebenarnya, kami hanya sekedar kenal. Hanya tahu basic information, seperti nama, umur, jenis kelamin, dan add friends di Friendster. Jarang sekali mengobrol, apalagi setelah mIRC benar-benar aku pensiunkan. Setelah Facebook muncul mengalahkan Friendster, otomatis ter-add'lah lagi orang tersebut di jaringanku. Dan tetap memang karena kami hanya sekedar kenal, kami gak pernah ada ngobrol-ngobrol.

Masalahnya timbul ketika pada akhirnya aku join game yang dimaksud, dia ternyata juga merupakan salah satu pemain aktif. Karena aku juga pemain yang memang terbilang sangat aktif memeriksa game progressku, aku kurang lebih sering mengecek juga filter newsfeed Facebook yang memuat panggilan-panggilan pemain lain. Suatu ketika, aku melihat panggilan ini, dari cowo yang dimaksud, dan berniat membantu.

Itu adalah komunikasi pertama setelah sekian lama tidak pernah mengobrol. Beberapa saat kemudian, muncul status message dari orang tersebut di newsfeed Facebook'ku.

Aku tidak menanggapi, hanya dari situ aku mengetahui kalau dia memang tengah mencari-cari monster Gold Dragon. Karena waktu itu aku tengah mengurusi monster yang lain, dan tidak ada teman-temanku yang menghadapi Gold Dragon, aku melewati saja status dia. Namun keesokan harinya, muncul lagi status update dia yang baru, yang memang aku akuin menggoda untuk aku kasih comment. Akhirnya jadi balas-balasan di status comment itu. Ternyata dia memang tengah mengincar barang yang hanya bisa didapat dari Gold Dragon, dan kebetulan ada teman-temanku yang memang bertarung melawan Gold Dragon, sebagai orang yang baik dan suka menolong :), aku kasih informasi ke orang ini.

Percakapan berakhir disitu, lalu kita asik bermain di monster masing-masing.

Sayang sekali memang terkadang beberapa barang susah didapatkan, meskipun player sudah berusaha mati-matian, faktor keberuntungan berpengaruh juga di game ini. Ternyata cowo ini keesokan harinya belum berhasil mendapat apa yang dia incar, dan kembali memanggil bantuan untuk mencarikan Gold Dragon lagi.

Sampai 2 hari kemudian, masih belum berhasil.

Keesokan harinya kami memainkan monster yang sama, aku join juga di battle dragonnya. Dan kebetulan aku berhasil mendapatkan yang dia incar. Sedangkan dia tidak, sehingga memunculkan status message seperti ini.

And lastly, the next day, another status message from him.

And guess, it turned out to be our last conversation. Huh? :)

+++++

Jadi ceritanya, kami hanyalah orang yang menjadi teman di dunia maya, hanya bersama-sama memainkan game yang sama. Saling membantu if we're feeling like it, it's not like we're always chasing after the same monster anyway, dan yah terkadang membalas comment status saja. Itu juga yang aku comment hanya yang tentang game itu, status dia yang lain mah, I won't give a damn.

Tapi malam harinya, di hari yang sama status message yang terakhir itu keluar, selagi aku asyik attacking my own other monster, tiba-tiba dia panggil di Facebook Chat. Sesuatu yang gak pernah terjadi, karena kami memang ga pernah ngobrol lagi. Dan yang membuat shock, dia bilang kalau aku jangan lagi comment-comment'in status dia, jangan lagi kasih kabar secara langsung ke dia, jika aku punya informasi link yang dia mau. Kalau aku masih mau membantu, ya aku cukup tekan Call to Arms button aja, yang akan memunculkan panggilan itu di newsfeed dia juga, jadi biar dia sendiri yang mencari-cari di newsfeed dia.

I was like, huh?

Seriously, that was the first word I uttered after reading his message.

Apparently, his girlfriend, who actually also a player in the so-called game, got jealous. Dia bercerita ke aku, kalau pacarnya pada saat itu ngambek ke dia. Cemburu karena kesannya aku sering banget comment status dia belakangan ini. Jadi dia dilarang berkomunikasi dengan aku, dan dia juga meminta aku tidak menghubungi dia.

I was thinking, errr..emangnya kita berkomunikasi ya? Emang kita pernah ngobrol-ngobrol gitu? But apparently his girlfriend doesn't see it that way. Setelah sedikit ada rasa tersinggung juga jujur aja, karena aku merasa dilabrak untuk sesuatu yang tidak aku lakukan, I was laughing out loud.

Aku terangkan ke cowo itu, emang kita ngapain? Ketemu aja kita ga pernah, chatting aja juga ga pernah. I feel sorry for his girlfriend, to be seriously in love or insecure with their relationship? Sampai seperti ini aja, she got jealous?

After that, I got into thinking, apa bener tindakanku itu melebihi batas? Aku jadi mencari orang lain. Teman cowo lain, yang jauh lebih dekat denganku daripada cowo yang pertama. Teman yang ini kenal dari jaman aku masih SMU. Dia kakak kelasku, dan pernah juga ada sedikit affair karena jaman dulu dia juga had a crush on me, dan meskipun dia sudah pindah ke negara lain setelah dia lulus SMU, we maintain a good friendship until now. Memang alasan kesibukan di hidup masing-masing tidak membuat kami sedekat yang dulu, tapi terkadang kami masih chatting jika sempat dan ada topik yang dibicarakan. Dan tentunya, aku jauh lebih sering memberi comment di status messagenya. Kayanya malah hampir setiap dia keluar status message, aku kasih comment. And they're real life status messages, not a game follow up.

Aku berkeluh-kesah dengannya, kalau aku secara ga langsung habis dilabrak gara-gara sering kasih comment katanya. Aku jadi menanyakan juga ke temanku ini, apaka aku bermasalah karena aku sering juga kasih comment ke dia. Setelah selesai, tanggapan dari temanku ini sama seperti yang aku pikirkan sih, kalau mereka berlebihan. Hal begitu aja gak seharusnya jadi alasan untuk cemburu, because it's just a game. Dia sama sekali tidak bermasalah dengan comment-commentku, begitu pula pacarnya, karena mereka in a very steady and serious relationship. Dan dia berpendapat aku dengan orang yang bermasalah itu tidak pernah bertemu begitu, kemungkinan untuk ngapa-ngapain juga minim sekali. Temanku memberikan kelegaan yang besar, dia bilang tidak ada kesalahan dari pihakku. Mungkin memang karena mereka masih belum dewasa saja, sampai-sampai bisa terganggu hanya karena urusan sepele seperti ini. Yah memang sih, cewe yang bermasalah ini aku pikir masih di bangku SMU. So I was able to laugh it off.

~ * ~

But morale of the story is, terkadang apa yang kita pikir tidak menjadi masalah, bisa menjadi masalah bagi orang lain. Batas rasional orang berbeda-beda yah, jadi terkadang kita, although we may find them ridiculous, memang mesti memaklumi aja kalau ada orang yang berbeda dengan kita.

Oh well...

born to find happiness ?

Well, that's what this old grandpa said.
This adv is so beautifully made :) very worth watching.

Don't waste time with nonsense, there's plenty of it.
Go and find what makes you happy while you can,
since time slips away very quickly.
You're here to be happy.

Spread some more happiness !!

Ternyata masih ada lagi Open Happiness dari versi negara lainnya. Here they are ~~

1. Japan - by Monkey Majik
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
2. Hong Kong - well this is just the better quality 可口可樂 advertisement,
   開動快樂 MV from Joey Yung 容祖兒 .
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
3. Philipine ~ by Sandwich
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
4. and the Bible said, Thee should love thy neighbour ;)
   Malaysian version : Rentak Optimis by Shila & Dafi
   
   
   
   
   
   

PS : By the way, someone left a comment in my last post, asking where to download the Canadian version song. I happen to have them, would you like them? I just don't know where I can upload them permanently so you guys can download it, since I don't have any premium account in any file-sharing website. So if you have some information about where I can upload the songs permanently, let me know :).

Open Up, Open Up, Some Happiness ~~~~

For people should really be happy, and have hopes for the future.

Helloooo... First post of this year !!

Kata orang, mengawali tahun yang baru, harus dengan senyuman, kebahagiaan, kedamaian. Supaya ngikut terus sampai akhir tahun. Bener ga ya?

New year's eve kemarin, aku di Melb, kerja sampai jam 4 pagi. Happy, karena dapat bonus lumayan. Sedih juga, karena melewati detik-detik terakhir bersama co-worker di sebelah mesin kasir, bukan bersama orang yang dicinta.

And 2009 became the year I got hurt the most.

Anyway, I won't talk about it now. Tapi mau membahas yang lumayan bikin happy.

Kira-kira sekitar bulan November, aku denger di TV, lagu baru dari penyanyi-penyanyi Ello, Ipang, Berry (st. Loco), Lala. Bukalah Semangat Baru. Lagunya sangat catchy, langsung suka deh dari pertama kali dengar. Tune-nya bikin semangat dan happy. Aku pikir keren juga tuh Ello dkk bisa bikin lagu kaya gitu. Pada dasarnya aku tuh kalau menonton TV, jarang ditonton TVnya. Tapi didengar sbg background suara. Jadi maklum deh kalau pada awalnya, aku tuh ga tahu kalau ternyata lagu ini adalah jingle iklan Coca-Cola!

Sampai beberapa minggu, kira-kira pertengahan Desember, ada yang membahas di Kaskus. Sebenarnya udah lumayan lama dibahas sih, cuma aku baru nemuin hari itu ^_^. Ternyata lagi, lagu Bukalah Semangat Baru itu memang versi Indonesia dari lagu Open Happiness. Dan aku baru tahu juga kalau Open Happiness itu semboyan Coca-Cola. Lagu ini memang digunakan oleh Coca-Cola sebagai jingle iklannya di banyak negara. I'm amazed. Hebat sekali tim marketing Coca-Cola, bisa menciptakan karya global marketing campaign seperti ini. Kayanya sih yang original yang ini, dari USA, by Brendon "PATD" Urie, Patrick "FOB" Stump, Cee-Lo Green, Janelle Monae, & Travis "Gym Class Heroes" McCoy.

Dari hasil browsing di Youtube, ada dapat informasi kalau urutan pembuatannya seperti ini :

1. The first Open-Happiness-based song was initially featured in a collaboration between Cee-Lo of Gnarls Barkley, Patrick Stump from Fall Out Boy, Brendon Urie from Panic at the Disco, Travis McCoy from Gym Class Heroes, Janelle Monae, and Polow Da Don and Butch Walker as producers.

2. The Coca-Cola Company announced in May 2009 that Lebanese pop icon Nancy Ajram recorded an Arabic language-version of the Open Happiness song, called "Eftah Tefrah", to be released in markets in the Middle East.

3. The Open Happiness song was adapted to the Cantonese language for Hong Kong; the song is sung by Hong Kong pop star Joey Yung in the country's version of the song and music video.

4. A version of the song for Singapore was released later in the same month, which had local pop stars Derrick Hoh and Jocie Guo provide vocals. The song's music video was filmed by Warner Music.

5. In July 2009, the Open Happiness was launched in China, where a local version of the song was recorded by Chinese singer and songwriter Wang Leehom.

6. In November 2009, The Coca-Cola Company launched the Indonesian version of Open Happiness, with the title "Buka Semangat Baru (Open a New Spirit)". It is sung by Ello, Ipang, and Barry from the hip-hop/rock group Saint Loco, and Indonesian-Philippines pop star, Lala.

7. the Canadian verison of the Coca-Cola Open Happiness song also featuring Canadian artists Jay Malinowski of Bedouin Soundclash, Kardinal Offishall, and Coeur de Pirate.

~ * ~

Their recording session :

 

I have to admit, these are great songs. Not only that they're catchy, but their messages really works. For people should really be happy, and have hopes for the future.
Dan tentunya cocok banget dinyanyi-nyanyiin di awal tahun baru seperti ini, supaya semangat!

Beberapa versi dari negara lain :

• Singapore, by 何維健 Derrick Hoh & 郭美美 Jocie Guo
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
• Canada, by Canadian artists Jay Malinowski of Bedouin Soundclash, Kardinal Offishall, and Coeur de Pirate. And since Canada is bilingual country, it was done in 2 versions, English & French =). Although actually, the French version, only use French in the chorus and the girl's bridge.
  
  This is Studio Session of English Version.
  
  
  
  
  
  And the French Version :
  
  
  
  
  
  
• New Zealand advertisement, made in Australia. Maybe Australia use it too.
  This one is more upbeat and faster in chorus part. LOVE IT! Bikin makin semangat!
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
• 
  
  
  From Lebanese singer, Nancy Ajram, title changed to Open Your Heart.
  Vklip yang ini lebih beda, karena animated CGI.
  
  
  
  
  
• Hongkong !! Cantonese, of course. by Joey Yung.
  
  
  
  
  
  
• Aaah, and of course, the cutest of all, from China, by Wang Lee Hom. man, he is cute ~~
  
  Full song version :
  
  
  
  
  
  And this one is the advertisement version :