The only song that's been in my head for the past few days, even until now, I can't stop listening to this song.. This song is truly describe how I feel and how our relationship's going..

2 a.m and the rain is falling ..
here we are at the crossroads once again ..
you're telling me you're so confused,
you can't make up your mind ..
" Is this meant to be ? ",
you're asking me ..

but only love can say :
 " try again or walk away "
but i believe for you and me,
the sun will shine one day ..
so I'll just play my part,
and pray you'll have a change of heart ..
but i can't make you see it through,
that's something only love can do ..

in your arms as the dawn is breaking,
face to face & a thousand miles apart,
I've tried my best to make you see,
there's hope beyond the pain,
if we give enough,
if we learn to trust ..

but only love can say :
 " try again or walk away "
but i believe for you and me,
the sun will shine one day ..
so I'll just play my part,
and pray you'll have a change of heart ..
but i can't make you see it through,
that's something only love can do ..

I know if I could find the words to touch you deep inside,
you'll give our dreams just one more chance,
don't let this be our last goodbye ..

but only love can say :
 " try again or walk away "
but i believe for you and me,
the sun will shine one day ..
so I'll just play my part,
and pray you'll have a change of heart ..
but i can't make you see it through,
that's something only love can do ..

that's something only love can do ..

 +++

I don't know where I will be..

I don't know what will happen..

All I know is my feeling is real..

Even though I try so hard to let him go, I just can't..

I can't help but feeling restless .. Waiting for uncertainty .. Sometimes I got tired and wanted to quit .. Sometimes I wonder if his feeling is true or not .. But then I'm already so attached to him .. I can't ask for more .. I'm waiting for the day to come, when it will be clear to see if it's ever meant to be or not ..

I just hope I have enough strength, to hope for the best, and prepare for the worst ..

quick update !

Sehari-hari meskipun, ga keliatan sibuk, tapi agak capek juga akhir-akhir ini, secara rutinitas sudah gak bisa begadang-begadang lagi sampai pagi. Jadi aktifitas untuk yang lain-lainnya agak dikurangin....

----

Akhir-akhir ini, aku menyadari beberapa hal.
I've been fighting with my own conscience.
I've become someone I hate the most.

This love has made me become someone so evil. So easy to be envious, so quick to be jealous. And i hate that!
I used to be an open-minded person. I used to be a trustful person, why am I not that person anymore?
There are always voices inside my head, fighting and shouting at each other, saying things I don't want to hear.

What amazed me is, if someone is having the same problem as I am now, I can give good advices and tell him/her to do the right thing. But I can't do the same thing for myself.

----

@huan : hati kita tahan banting, tapi bukan berarti kita mau terus2an dibanting kan?
Capek kali lama-lama kalau setiap kali kena ujian bantingan terus.

Running out of patience. Totally hoping for extra charge of patience level.



* but i can't make you see it through, that's something only love can do ...




PS : another update ..
terkadang ironis ya, kalau musuh terbesar kita sendiri, terkadang berasal dari orang yang ketemu tiap hari...

If I could have one super power ...

 ---------------------------------------------

it would be nice if i can have Bruce Almighty's gift.
Not the part that he can be omnipotent. I just wish i can have his ability to talk directly to God for a moment.

Forgive me, God... for having lots of things to complain to You.
I need to ask lots of questions about my life, that i need direct answers of.
I just don't understand why I have to go through all these. Heartbreaks, disappointments, seem like usual things in my life.

Aku tahu, ini semua kesalahanku sendiri.
I know I shouldn't put any hope, in everything basically. All the things I've pictured about, always got messed up.

I see that, You've made things go well with them everyday.
Do i have to be as religious as her first, to get what she has ?
Ujian ini sudah sering kau berikan... Apa salah kalau sekarang aku sudah mulai capek menghadapi rasa ini?
Sampai kapan aku harus menerima kenyataan kalau aku tidak bisa memiliki orang yang aku mau?

Jika memang kali ini, tetap engkau tidak merubah semua itu, this is my limit, God.
I don't have any power left to love anyone again, because i'll just be afraid.

I feel so fragile today ....
So lonely...
Now all i can feel, is just afraid.

Things with my family most likely will left me lonely in the future, since it's already clear that those people, only think about themselves.

And no one is willing to be with me, to accompany me facing those cloudy days.

ternyata ga enak juga ...

menjadi pengganggu?

ps: warning, orang-orang yang cuma bisa berpikiran shallow dan judging, gak usah baca sekalian! suka-suka gw mo nulis apa, ni blog gw sendiri, emang siapa yang maksa kamu baca?



Before, in 2 of my past relationships, aku pernah mengalami kekecewaan. Pada dasarnya, aku menjadi pihak yang mungkin kata tepatnya diselingkuhin. Sebagai orang yang setia (uhuuyy...), pada saat-saat itu, entah mengapa aku merasa yang bersalah adalah mereka, bukan aku. Apalagi para 'pengganggu' tersebut. I used to despise them. I hate their guts that they're still after my guys, eventhough they knew my existence. I used to think, why they didn't care about me, why they didn't care that someone was hurt and how come they were happy knowing that...?


Lately, I have to rethink about my judgement. I am unfortunately, having such experience being them.
I'm ashamed to admit that, i'm in love with someone's guy ...
I never suspected this would happen, it just happened. Just like Blackstreet's song : it came over me in a rush, when i realized that i love you so much ... that sometimes i cry but i can't tell you whyyyy.. why i feel what i feel inside....

Pada awal aku mengetahui dia sudah memiliki seseorang, aku mencoba untuk menekan perasaan itu, dan menghilangkan secepat mungkin. But i hate the fact that, this feeling is getting stronger day by day.
Hate the fact that i cannot be with him, can't have him fully as mine.
Hate the fact that time was not on my side.
Hate the fact that i couldn't control myself, and letting myself fell for him.
HATE the fact that i have to live in uncertainty about what i really am.
Harus ke siapa aku marah?? Aku cuma bisa marah pada diriku sendiri.

Sekarang aku kurang lebih bisa menyadari, ternyata judgementku selama ini salah besar.
Menjadi para 'pengganggu' itu ternyata ga selalu membahagiakan. The heartbreak behind it is also painful.
Mengetahui bahwa orang yang aku cintai, bersama orang lain.
Merencanakan masa depan dengan orang lain.
Memiliki dunia mereka.
Sementara aku harus menerima kenyataan, bahwa aku tidak akan bisa menjadi bagian dari dunianya, dunia tersebut.
Aku harus tinggal di dunia semu, dunia bayangan. Dunia lain yang disembunyikan.

Ternyata sakit ketika harus mengetahui, dia sedang bersama dengan orang itu.
Di dalam kejelasan hubungan. Ketika aku harus paranoid memikirkan, apakah dia akan meninggalkan aku, orang yang hadir di selingan waktu..
Paranoid memikirkan, mungkin dia atau mereka menertawakan aku, kebodohanku untuk menjadi seperti sekarang ini.
Sakit ketika membayangkan apa yang mereka lakukan bersama, mereka obrolkan bersama.
Sakit ketika mengetahui dalam waktu dekat, ternyata mereka sudah akan melakukan tingjing, meskipun itu bukan jaminan.
Sakit ketika melihat mereka berada di satu stage, ketika sebenarnya aku ingin memegang tangannya dengan bebas.
Sebenarnya aku ingin menemuinya, memeluknya, menjadi bagian dari dunianya, tanpa harus bersembunyi.
Aku tidak tahu harus sampai kapan aku bersembunyi. Atau mungkin aku harus terus bersembunyi?

Aku ingin tahu, apakah dia juga memikirkan aku, ketika aku setiap saat memikirkan dia...
Ingin tahu, apakah perasaan yang dia berikan kepadaku, bisakah menjadi sama dengan yang aku rasakan?
Ingin tahu, apakah aku salah, terlalu membuka diri, sehingga mungkin dia memiliki pertimbangan lain thdp aku... Dan hanya ingin menjadikanku sebagai (lagi-lagi) sahabat....

Ga gampang lho merasakan semua ini... Aku mungkin dulu terlalu cepat menilai buruk kepada para 'pengganggu'. Jangan menganggap mereka semua tidak tahu diri, ADA beberapa orang yang sebenarnya tidak mau menjadi 'pengganggu'.
Sekarang aku tahu rasanya, ga seindah yang aku bayangkan dulu.

Aku hanya bisa menjalani semua ini, memasrahkan diri, leave it up to fate.
Aku tidak tahu apakah ada kemungkinan aku bisa memilikinya...
Semoga suatu saat nanti, aku bisa berharap lagi akan adanya kebahagiaan.

Atau mungkin, atau aku harus menyerah... Dan aku harus mendukung mereka, meskipun aku harus memendam rasa sakitku sendiri...