i'm scared ...

i just had terrible feelings ..
very bad condition.. i'm even scared of myself..
for these past months, i've been feeling uneasy about things..
worried about my life, what i have done.. what will happen to me next day.. what i'm supposed to do.. and especially i've been worrying about my situation..

i'm kinda stuck in difficult situation ..
which really drives me crazy these past weeks, my whole life seems to be hanging on a thread ..
and today, i had the peak

anyway, i just found out that my old friend's already got engaged... YAY !! big news to Solo people.. one of its gorgeous diva's got engaged =D
congratulations to you, Sa .. in case you read my blog ;p .. well I already congratulate you anyway in msn..

anyway.. yeah about that, i should be happy for her.. oh i do feel happy for her ..
i remember we used to chat about our crushes back then when we were really closed in Junior High School ..
i also remember her crush back then, that she's tried to call to his house anonymously,i think to hear his voice.. she's really popular actually, she didn't really need that hard to get a man .. lol ..
and now, about 8 years later .. had a smooth life , she's engaged with her soulmate ..
congratulations, dear .. one of your dreams has come true..

so, actually that's not my story this time..
i actually want to post about how i feel about it..
read about the news, i feel different than normal people would feel ..
normal people would just feel happy that their friends find their happiness ..
me ? well.. i do feel happy for her, but is it wrong that i do feel bad for myself ?
knowing her grown up really well, eventually makes me feel ashamed ..
and now i feel like i'm the worst person in the world ..

what kind of person who can't be happy for other people ? bad people ..
that's who i am right now.. i feel bad.. instead of 100% purely happy for her, i feel a bit ... err..
i think the appropriate word is envy ..
yeah.. i envied her a bit..
in fact, i envied everyone a bit ..
being a scum i am, it's easy for me to feel this ..

from 7 deadly sins .. i can at least had 3 of them .. i envy others.. keep wondering why it happened to others and not me .. why other people are happy and i'm not..
i'm feeling wrath for myself, because i'm such a good-for-nothing .. i can't do anything right !! my relationships all messed up.. my education, my social life, my image, are all messed up..
and i'm feeling the greed because i feel i don't have enough.. i know that i should be grateful for what i have , and i should be lucky to be me, because i know that at least i have more than enough, i'm not starving.. i still have family and good shelter.. yadda yadda yadda bla bla bla..
and people said "there's a time for everything and maybe it's not the time yet for you.."
but i had enough, well at least that's what i feel tonight..
i often wonder that "neighbours' garden is greener" is true.. and yes now i feel it's true

being surrounded with success people and i'm not one of them, makes me feel intimidated and feel like a loser ..
and even people who're actually had less quality than me, had beauty or body to overcome it .. so yeah eventhough they can't work, they'll still have a good life because of their spouse..

and me ? i have nothing to offer ..
i'm bad at school.. i'm not a good student.. i can't do things right.. i have no talent..
and i'm not attractive ..
so what kind of future i would have if i have nothing good to offer ??

okay... i'm blabbering.. sorry it's not the point of the story ... forget it

i'm a terrible person..
and now i'm really scared.. because of those envy, greed, and wrath....
i'm scared of myself..
i feel like i've turned into the worst, the most heartless evil person in the world ..
i'm scared that i'll become much worse than this..
and i'm also scared to God.. i've been broking my promises to Him, i'm scared He's mad at me and won't listen to my prayer... i don't even know how to pray anymore !!

i know i deserved to have bad things in my life..
because i know i haven't been a good child of Him ..
i guess, now envy's my new friend ??


ps : if anything happen to me in the near future, please tell my mom that I love her, and i'm really sorry I can't make her proud .. just in case.. so stressed out..